"this my excavation and today is kumran
everything that happens is from now on"
- bon iver, 're: stacks'

i've been wondering why i haven't written much over the past few months (at least outside my blog and work). writing has not come to me easily. i sometimes wait for my fingers to tap on the keyboard, take hold of words and more often than not, resulted in producing incoherent sentences and paragraphs.

the best way i could explain it is being in a white room with furniture of the same color and shade and everything is bathed with white light from all directions. everything can be seen and yet, nothing can be distinguished. in the end, nothing can be described.

and yet, much of it is my own doing. i allowed myself to be in it, immersed in all that whiteness and not allowing the contrast to set in. years ago, i chose not to write when in a writhe of pain and instead write in a place of deep joy. this was one risk that i wanted to take, not realizing that this journey has its own confrontations and battles.

for one thing, i knew that once i set on this path, i could never write the same way again, even if i wanted to. it was a tiring way of writing and the fire that fueled it was almost empty anyway. secondly, coming from joy was entirely new to me and yet, i didn't know how to harness it. my pen quivers and at the same time, i had no idea what to write -- a seemingly real self-inflicted paralysis.

i know that this is a reflection of my personal history -- a soul that now stirs to a different beat and one that writes from a different source. there is a thread that connects one to the other -- a life that sees things newly.

and with that i understood.

all along i was standing in my own excavation, in kurman, where the dead sea scrolls were found. i stand where all my mystery lies, words that call to be unearthed. like an archaeologist finding his great discovery, i find my own great truth. this is my day. 'everything that happens is from now on.'

(and the contrast suddenly appears.)

i had a group meeting yesterday morning with my classmates in a landmark education seminar. the topic ranged from posibilities that move us to handling unexpected results. at one point in our conversation, we came across the topic of creativity: on how real creativity is tapped.

tif, the painter in our group, told us that she was having a difficult time painting before and this was due to her selfishness. too much was focused on her insted of the contribution she was making and that's why she couldn't paint.

and i got it in my own life, that i have become selfish to my own creation that it has virually stopped, in writing and mostly in living.

wow.

to the man who said that, "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."

to the man meant to send a legacy for his children ended up inspiring millons.

to the man whe believed that dreams do come true, and pushed others to do so.

to the man who i saw in a taped online lecture and ransformed me when it was over.

rest in peace, randy.

thank you for your life and your humanity. i know that you will live in others.

i usually use this statement when i'm complaining how other peple see life (and usually its in a shallow way). but for the past couple of days, i've been using this for ty pennington and all the other members of 'extreme makeover: home edition'. my mouth's literally open when i watch this show and say in my mind, "what are these guys on?" and i don't mean it in a bad way, rather something that's really amazing, to say the least.

not that i liked the show ever since.

when i first watched emhe, i felt that it was such a wasteful show (this is the environmentalist in me kicking in). destroying a house, building up from scratch, getting a bigger house, using all that energy, mostly non-renewable resources, blah-blah-blah, so on and so forth.

so after the introduction, i just got my remote and changed it to another channel without really understanding the context of the show. it was the end of emhe for me, or so i thought.

a few days ago, i started watching this show again. i was looking for a documentary and perhaps also see a home renovation show to get some ideas for the house. i couldn't find any at that time expect for 'extreme makeover: home edition'. letting go of all my complaints of it, i gave it a shot and actually watched a whole episode.

and i was blown away. i mean, here are people who build a house in 7 days and are helping deserving families. building a house in the regular timeframe is no joke. i've been through one and it's quite tiring with lack of adherence to the blueprint and all the complaints of everyone involved. and that's a year! these people are building it in 7 days -- that is just tremendous! i don't even see them complain, at least not on screen. but i think that they don't really have room to do that. not with what is at stake. it for the families, the future of the families that they are helping.

and when done right, it is bound to change their lives. (and that is what's at stake).

they've created a beautiful context that once the house is built, the family who now comes home to it becomes inspired, changed and transformed by this experience. i know that no one can replace a deceased loved-one or diseases that are happening within the family, but they've proven to have a very efective proxy in dealing with these things in an empowering manner. (if life is a game, this is a game i'd love to play.)

and then you have the community. there's the contractor and the volunteers who give their time and resources to these people. i was just astonished by the limitless way that people give. i see it in the way they build the house, and that always, it's not just a house but a future that speaks against domestic violence, promise, bringing families together, hope and love. i've never seen a profound sense of community found on such a systematic basis -- just episode after episode.

and when the episode finished, i was just saying, "what are these guys on?"  really, what are these guys on that their view of life is so empowering? that they can accomplish so much in 7 days. that they change the lives of people.

this is indeed a lot of heart.